the drink

I want to change my thinking around alcohol.  My current thinking is that it is a substance I consume that makes me feel relaxed and jovial.  I also think it gives me the opportunity to "check out" so to speak and not allow myself the usual contemplative thought patterns as I am definitely and over-thinker.  The problem is that when I "check out", it usually leads to over consumption and regret which usually leads to a major imbalance in my life.  There have been thoughts in the past that I should give up drinking altogether but that didn't seem right either.  For now, I am experimenting with the notion that drinking has its place in my life.  It helps me relax a bit while socializing, tastes good with dinner and assists me in "acting a fool" with my friends, an activity I wouldn't give up for anything.  That said, I think my work is  staying conscious while drinking and not checking out mentally, but paying attention to how I really feel while drinking.  I am attempting to do this for 30 days and hope that it will show me that I can have just as good a time moderating and not have to pay for it later.

Greed vs. Fear

Last night Joseph made a good analogy.  He said that one of the best activities for keeping ego in check is day trading the stock market.  That trading was a good discipline for listening to your higher self rather than your ego.  Whenever he felt a little greedy because he made some money or fearful to take action because he would lose money, he knew that ego was in control and he should not be trading at all.  Conversely when he looked at the trades from a higher more centered place, he never made a "bad" trade.

This rings true for me in my own experience in that I am struggling to keep my ego balanced.  There are days when I feel I deserve the world and make ego-based decisions to spend too much money or party a little too much that I suffer the consequences.  There are days when I don't feel good about myself at all and decide that isolation and binge eating or drinking is comfortable and good.  The truth is that I seek balance and to come from a higher version of myself.  I am reminding myself that when I start to feel greedy or fearful, it is a signal to remember my higher self.

The Plan

For over two years, I have been working on and revising a plan of action to achieve my short and long term goals.  It is a good plan with built in daily actions for accomplishing nearly everything I want to see show up in my life.  There are week s that I am on track with it and weeks and weeks when I simply ignore it altogether.  I am not sure what has caused me to think this is a good idea. 

I have always been a procrastinator, doing what is comfortable and feels good at the time, thereby delaying what needs to be done.  I have been carefully observing this in myself for some time and watch as it eventually causes me anxiety and depression.  It has gotten to the point where even the comfort zone doesn't feel good anymore because I know what is coming after.  I have been meditating on what to do and have, time and time again, been told to listen to myself.  Follow my plan!  I am my own best medicine I guess, so the plan is to do just that.  Follow the plan and when the tasks become challenging or uncomfortable, understand that I don't need to feel that way.  I can choose to take on those tasks with ease.  Eventually both doing the work with ease as well as continuing to push myself will bring about a joyful being.

The Work

Obama is in!  I'm 33!  Now its time for the work.  I feel it in the core of my soul.  Now is not the time for wasted energy.  Now is the time to work really hard in everything I am involved in; the gallery; school; my health, my wealth, my relationships and of course my consciousness.  Now, what does this mean exactly? It means that I watch how I spend my time and money and energy.  Yes, even on the weekends.  It means meditating and writing and being true to what I say I am gong to do.  It means not drinking myself into oblivion even if that means not drinking at all.  It means making my mornings very productive as well as my nights.  It means balance.  I am ready. I have the resources.  I have the power.  

Election 2008

November 3 & 4, 2008

One thing that I have always possessed is a lot of hope.  No matter how challenging things get and whether they are in my control or not, I have always believed that things will turn out o.k.; that I will be a better person in the end and that life is generally good.  

I am taking this attitude to the next level.  Each morning when I get out of bed, I am going to intentionally feel grateful for something or someone in my life.  I believe this will help me get inspired and motivated to begin each day.  I am determined to be a more disciplined morning person so that I can can get more out of my day including my morning meditation and journaling-not to mention getting to the gym!  

Today's gratefulness centered around Barack Obama.  We have been waiting for this day for a long time and I believe he can win.  Whenever I hear him speak, I am further convinced that he has done some sort of consciousness work and is generally a centered and balanced person. This is why I want him in the white house.  There are so many unbalanced "leaders" in government today with a lot of real life experience and that has not gotten us far.  I want the balanced guy who is calm and focused and energetic and eager to learn and will appoint good, centered people.  I want the guy who will lead by his higher consciousness and not by his ego.  

What an exciting day!  What an exciting time to be alive!

My Jesus Year

November 2, 2008

Happy Birthday to me.  I'm 33.  I think I'm finally an adult and for the first time  I actually understand what that means.  More fun.  Not the kind of random, no responsibility, let's go get fucked up kind of fun.  The creative, more powerful, I know who I am and what I want out of life kind of fun.  The fun you experience when you are in control of your life and enjoy the possibilities that surround you.

I'm ready to start taking action and fearing less.  I'm ready to think less and write more.  I'm ready to experience more joy and focus and energy.  I can't believe I have been denying myself these things and for what?  comfort!  Well, I don't want to be comfortable.  I want to be alive and I have the tools  to make that next part of me literally come to life.  It's not going to be easy, but who says work can't be joyful?

For the next 3 weeks, I have outlined 3 goals that I would like to achieve.  One is writing in this journal on a daily basis for at least 15 mins.  The next is meditation on a daily basis for 15 mins. In fact these 2 things can be done together and I am going to attempt to make it part of my morning routine.  The 3rd goal is  BIGGIE.  I am going to moderate my drinking and quit smoking .  I have been relying on these last two crutches for a long time and they are not serving me any longer.  The overlying goal is obviously to be more conscious, with that obviously effecting all parts of my life.

In one year, I want to be in the best shape of my life, have a long-term savings account (with money in it), be involved in a substantial relationship and continue to excel in school and work.

I also want to be in a better mood.  I've been pretty moody the last couple of years and I'm over it.  Over this next year, by staying true to myself, I will see a more balanced and joyful mood begin to take over.  

These are my goals.  Let's have a great year!

Cleaning out the Fridge

Ten days on the Master Cleanse, according to several of the blogs and websites I read on the process, are supposed to leave you light in body, clear of head and free of toxins. Well, I did nine and a half days and was mostly sleepy, foggy and miserable (although I did lose fifteen pounds, three of which have returned with unobtrusive stealth), so nuts to that. This experience may be life-changing for some, but for me it flat out suh-diddly-ucked. I am a foodie to end all foodies – it is damn near a religion for me. I knew not having it wouldn’t be a pleasant experience, but just HOW unpleasant was yet to become clear. Around day two I was completely over the cleanse, especially since Jason had bowed out due to a malfunctioning wisdom tooth, but it became something of a personal challenge, just to see if I could get through all ten days with no sustenance except for a spicy lemonade drink (comprising cayenne, maple syrup, lemon juice and water) and something called Smooth Move herbal tea, the function of which should be apparent in the name, but really didn’t do much of anything that I noticed.

You cannot do a blessed thing to take your mind off the cleanse while you are doing it. There is no way to distract yourself or make it any more bearable – you just have to get through it, like gum surgery or one of Dubya’s speeches. I was never actually hungry, even on the first day, which made the depth of my misery even more fascinating to observe from my own head, if that makes any sense. There were two sides of my brain at work – the obsessive, hysterical one that kept screaming, “You’re not eating! You’re not eating! YOU’RE NOT EATING!!!!!!” and the clinical dispassionate side that calmly said, “Yeah, you’re not eating. And you feel fine, more or less, you’re losing weight, the world’s not ending because you don’t have something stuffed in your maw 12 hours a day – could it be that your weight problem, as well as the solution, is all in your head?” I was starting to feel kind of schizophrenic after a while, but it was a great internal dialogue to have. I found a strange solace in preparing food for my friends and obsessively clipping recipes out of back issues of Food and Wine magazine, almost like I was preparing for all the amazing dishes I would get to make once this self-imposed exile was over. Sitting at bars without a drink, though, well there is just no redeeming that. I felt like the biggest, most boring square alive, and make a pronouncement here and now – there is just no earthly reason not to have a glass of wine with dinner, or a cocktail out with friends unless you are a child, an alcoholic, or on medication. Life is too short to go through it sipping mineral water like a damn nun. (Okay, nuns are off the hook too.)

Being possessed of unbelievably supportive friends was also an amazing plus. We are basically a live-and-let-live bunch, and when one of us wants to do something a little off the wall but apparently harmless, we will support them 100%. I can’t really express how grateful I am for that. Without my buddies I probably wouldn’t have smiled once the entire time.

Around day eight, the fog started to lift, simply with the knowledge that I was near the end of the road. It’s a wonderful feeling. When I told people what I was up to with all this strange murky brown liquid, they looked at me like I had three heads, but the overriding expression was one of awe. I started to feel pretty awesome too, just because it’s cool to finish any project you start, which is not exactly one of my strong points.

I broke the cleanse extremely unconventionally, to everyone’s chagrin and lack of surprise – stuffed peppers and blueberry Stoli – and suffered absolutely no ill effects. (One of my better lines, when Chris said incredulously, “Aren’t you supposed to end the cleanse with soup?” -- “Well, no one was MAKING soup!”) I now have textbook BMs (yes, I am aware we did not start this blog to hear about that kind of thing) and feel pretty good, all things considered. I’m eating mostly fish and vegetables, fresh orange juice and plain yogurt because that’s what my body seems to really want now. I feel like I’ll be able to work out a diet that makes sense for me, and stick to it because that hysterical side of my brain seems to have been starved into submission. And it’s about time too – it was one hyperactive motherfucker. Another interesting development has been a sort of craving re-set. Granted I’m only on day three of normal eating, but when I think about all the foods I’ve loved immodestly since I was a little kid – you know the triggers, chips, cheese, bread, ice cream, pizza – they don’t seem to have the same power over me. It’s a little like falling out of love, but the love was obsessive and destructive and unhealthy, so it’s all for the best. I actually had a couple more of these internal dialogues over what to eat, which has never happened before. Example: After a great dinner last night, I was thinking, “I would really love some of that Bailey’s ice cream in the freezer.” THEN I thought, “Well, since I have no idea what a proper portion is, I will totally overdo it and eat more than I want to. And anyway, what I really want is another glass of wine.” Which I had, and was perfectly happy. Do people have these conversations with themselves on a regular basis? I swear, it’s like learning another language.

For anyone who needs that reboot to start making the proper diet and exercise choices for themselves, I would recommend the Master Cleanse wholeheartedly. I don’t know if I’ll keep it up, but they say it only takes three weeks to make a habit, so I’ll try this new conscientious behavior at least that long. I’ve spent most of my life just doing (and eating and drinking) whatever the fuck comes into my head, and I’ve had a lot of fun indulging that impulsive side of myself (and don’t plan on abandoning it anytime soon), but being a successful grownup requires a bit of a checkrein at times. Sure, I can have six drinks and then come home and eat half a pan of macaroni and cheese (wasn’t that fun Charles? J ), but not four times a week. You can even make thoughtful, conscientious decisions about when to be impulsive, which is less of an oxymoron than it seems. It seems I have unknowingly created a new possibility for myself (™ Landmark Forum). And all because Jason felt bloated one day. Who knew?

P.S. Since Jay has all his ingredients left over, if we go to camp the menu will feature A LOT of pancakes. Waffles, French toast, etc.

Making the case for Hillary (in an email)

Below, is an email I sent to Chris summing up briefly (a word not too often associated with my emails, writing, or anything I do in life really, but alas, I submit this BRIEF assessment as to why I'm standing behind Hillary) ... more to come, but please weigh in...

--*Oh, and the first two short paragraphs are unrelated to Hillary and Obama ... it's just banter about Chris' and my night out last night at the Ritz... Where a socially inept guy was talking to us and making no sense whatsoever...

fromCharles Herold
toChristopher Adasiewicz ,

dateFeb 1, 2008 10:44 AM
subjectRe: hey
mailed-bygmail.com

hide details 10:44 AM (28 minutes ago) Reply



I had the two remaining turkey burgers and a fat free dog (all bunless) when I got home... it was amazing... I was a bit tired upon waking up at 5:30, so I hit snooze until 5:45, threw some clothes on and look remarkably well put together somehow...

Oh. my. god. that guy was beyond socially awkward, He must have been putting on some sort of act... no one is like that, right?! ... and yes, I did catch that glitch in his speech...

P.S. I spent the morning watching the rest of the Clinton/Obama debate... I don't know if Hillary won per se, but if I had to pick a winner it would be her ... she was more concise in her answers and more realistic... Obama did a fine job too, but it's sooo preachy, with nothing really to back up how he's going to bridge all of these gaps to put effective policy in place... The idea is wonderful, but even after reading his book, I don't get how he plans to do it... or if it's something that he should be promising.... I think the idea should be to move towards that goal... not to say, I will get it done.. that's too sensationalist and unrealistic.... no one, not even Jesus himself, is going to mend the divisions in this country, and the world over, in 4 years... it's just not going to happen...

So... what's the best solution, given the choice between the two? ... Pick the more realistic one who has the better part of 35 years of experience in putting effective, progressive policy into motion, someone who can lead, possesses the idealistic fervor, but who is realistic about how to get there, and who can better anticipate the unforeseeable and who will react and lead more steadfastly when those unforeseeable things happen, whatever they may be. And THE most attractive thing about electing Hillary is that it will send shock waves through the nation and shatter the white male hegemonic status quo... Seriously, if you close your eyes and think of your image of the president (this goes for everyone in this country, even Hillary herself) we ALL see a man... I don't care how vehemently someone wants to deny it, that's what they see, because it's all we've known... we need to break that mindset, especially when there's an intelligent, progressive candidate, who will be a strong leader, at our disposal to make that change happen...

Putting aside all of the non-issues (e.g. continuing the bush/clinton dynasties, Hillary's failed health plan, Hillary's random scandals) and only looking at the REAL issues; and sizing up each ones stances and seeing that their viewpoints are not all that different, or at least the ends that they want to reach are not all that different; I am compelled to pick the candidate who will not only do the job best, but who will put into motion the most progression for society... in that assessment, the choice is undoubtedly, Hillary.

Loss of Nonny and Pop

Moving on...

That's all.

ah'll be back (please no!)

Had dinner with my friend Jen last night, who is one of those people that never fails to make me think about ways to improve myself; I’ve always written down at least five things to research after talking with her. As it inevitably does these days, our conversation turned to the upcoming primary elections, in which Jen staunchly said she is not participating. I asked why, getting all moralistic and “people died so I could have this right” on her ass, (which was not a position I took until about ten years AFTER I reached voting age, btw, so I should really just fuck off) and she replied that she has unfortunately become one of the uninformed voters she used to malign and isn’t comfortable voting for whatever referendums or proposals may be on the Illinois ballot.

New Yorkers don’t have to worry about this until November, but it occurred to me that I have never bothered to look this information up before I go into the voting booth. This prompted a truly brilliant idea between the two of us for a short film addressing the consequences of being uninformed. In the first shot you have an empty voting booth. A series of ten or so people enter, none of them having the least idea what they’re voting for or why. You hear thought voiceovers while people are standing in front of their choices; “remember to get milk,” “I wonder what that funny knocking sound in the car engine is?” Someone gets a phone call while they’re voting, someone just turns the lever to yes for everything and shrugs, someone brings their dog and/or screaming baby into the voting booth, you get the idea.

The last shots are of a gay couple with all their friends and family standing outside of a closed courthouse, a teenage girl with a protruding stomach sadly going into her bedroom with a coathanger, etc. Scary, right? I will make sure all the NYC referendums for November are posted here well in advance. I don’t want to be responsible for the coronation of another Governator!

trust

I have, as of late, been on one of the most introspective and confounding journeys in conscious and unconscious terms. My mind at times seems to race faster than the electrical pulses that are jumping across my synapses. Sometimes there's a resultant clarity, but seldom is that the case. Usually it's an endless maddening amble through the mind, stopping off at the heart and soul now and then. Although epiphanies have been few and far between, in the end it's all been fostering some type of growth, further progression towards self realization.

Why is it that we most realize what's of actual import in life when life's in a tangled mess? … And when we're caught up in blissful …whatever … we take it all for granted? I think it's because when we're cut down to the bare ingredients (think of a whole chocolate chip cookie in perfect form being grinded down into a pile of dark and light brown powder & bits) that make up our state of being, only then do we start to see who we really are. Only then are we forced to survey the mess of humanity, when it's strewn across the floor like a bag of exploded flour… after a … I'll call it, a 'life explosion;' meaning any life event that pulls you straight down and slams you mercilessly into ground shattering you into pieces when perhaps just moments ago you were a whole Chips Ahoy!… or thought you were anyway. I know, I know, sounds a bit dramatic – but I'm not apologizing for it, despite expected accusations that might come from someone reading this who would term this rant as melodramatic. I won't apologize for it, nor would I even try, or feel it remotely necessary to defend against such a claim.

If I've learned anything lately it's that I know myself, more than I cared to admit to myself before. I used to pretend to know myself; pretend I was gliding along and on the same plane as the others and pass it off as if I enjoyed it and like I had things mapped out.

My friends often make fun of me for acting "old" … and I used to take mild offense to it, or laugh it off. The self I pretended to know and put out was offended by this; the self I have now realized and knew all along that I am was secretly sitting in the back of the room, smiling and enjoying a sense of satisfaction. I'm not a member of the young and naive pack who skips around from club to club or bar to bar trying to find love in all the wrong places. I played that game in the past, and it has served no purpose other than to make me feel unfulfilled and devalued. I don't need that, I never did. I need something real, something I can believe in enough to invest my trust into. In my estimation, before love can even make it around the corner to see the red carpet, much less get past the velvet ropes; it has to be preceded by trust.

My sense of trust and my heart are my two most prized possessions. They give me strength, but also leave me completely vulnerable to a harsh world. I've made numerous errors in my use of these two primary components in the past, but I'm resolving to not make any such errors again in the future.
I don't want someone to look at me and see a nameless face that they find attractive, and then decide that I'm a good match for them. The physical is definitely a component, but it's not the only one, or the most important one, by far… It's just an enjoyable part of the whole package. Do I notice attractive guys?, sure, but it is by no means the component I base a relationship upon…if that even needed saying. Lusting and loving, are obviously two different things… yes, I will notice a pretty face, or when someone's body curves perfectly underneath their clothes, but before I can think about holding you, I need to know you and I need you to know me. We shouldn't reduce ourselves to commodities; it's degrading and results in emptiness and loneliness. I refuse it outright. Take the time to get to know me. I want you to be interested in me and what I have to say and I want to be interested in you and what you have to say. I want you to make me laugh, but not to try doing it. I'm over putting on shows and pretending, I'm through with games, immaturity, and reckless acts.

When I think someone is deserving of my trust I am the most caring, faithful, loving person you could possibly find; and I expect the same in return.
I'm deserving of someone who will guard my trust and my heart as much as, if not more than, I would and do; and I would do the same. Perhaps the single most cruel and misguided thing someone can do to another person is to be careless with another's trust and heart. Take stock of yourself and your intentions before you even begin to accept one or both of these things from another person, and make sure you're up to the task. It is not something that should be taken lightly or a rushed decision. It's a set of circumstances that make the game of love the complicated, tangled mess that it is. It's an unforgiving labyrinth of madness, but if we make the right turns and moves along the way, it can and should be a remarkable journey that the right two people can embark on together, building a stronger sense of trust and understanding that will culminate into that elusive love we all look for and want, as we wander through the sordid mess.

It's not something that happens overnight or after talking for an hour at a bar about the inanities of life. It happens over time, like a finely put together recipe for the most elaborate of dishes. Each ingredient is added at a different time, sometimes it's brought to a boil, or left to simmer … if it's done correctly, however, and you don't mistake the sugar for the salt it will begin to take it's form … The recipe for a trust and love filled relationship is not regimented, but more organic; you can't be precise to a fault, continuously following the cookbook's every instruction, but instead you have to be like one of those chefs who doesn't read the cookbook, and never uses an actual tablespoon when the book calls for it. That's to say, trust yourself and your instincts... You may not always be right, but that's ok. Perfection is not the goal… nothing will ever be perfect, instead a kind of organic harmony should be strived for… with hopefully only a few of the unwanted, yet, to be expected discordant notes that will undoubtedly happen along the way.

I'm no longer going to hunt for it, or fret and think that I don't deserve it. I'm going to sit back with the old man in my mind and patiently wait for it to find me. We'll be sitting next to trust and love, all of us ready for the red carpet and the ball.

me good writer, fo realz

Morning mes amis, I hope you are all well-bundled up and did not go outside with wet hair. The rats in the subway were wearing little fleece hoodies today, it’s so mothereffing cold.

Yesterday I started two new books, in the tub naturally, with a cup of tea instead of my usual vodka rocks because I am singing for Sue’s birthday party on Tuesday and do not wish to sound like Michigan J. Frog. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michigan_J._Frog

They are: The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, and Don’t Think of an Elephant!: Know Your Values and Frame the Debate: The Essential Guide for Progressives (see I am TOO taking this NYE self-improvement dealio seriously).

Don’t Think of An Elephant! is essentially the progressive’s cheat sheet for understanding, and ostensibly defeating, the conservative right. Progressive Democrats have two major Achilles’ heels – splintering (i.e. working primarily for the advancement of their own subcategory; socioeconomic vs. environmental vs. anticapitalist progressives instead of uniting towards a common goal as conservatives do) and sorely underestimating their political counterparts. We tend to get on our high horses about conservatives and dismiss them as stupid, at our peril. Conservative groups have poured hundreds of millions of dollars and man-hours into assembling think tanks devoted exclusively to the study of language and how to use it effectively to spread their message. They are also masters at the use of “strategic initiatives,” a phrase I’ve heard smacked about for years but never actually knew what it meant until I read this book. In a nutshell it means to introduce and champion a particular political wedge issue for the purpose of promoting ambitious, long-term policy agendas. For example, in the last few years the issue of tort reform has been pretty front-and-center (improving U.S. litigation efficiency) The stated objective of tort reform is to eliminate frivolous lawsuits, which sells with the American public. Why should Henrietta Housewife (and by extension, Arthur Attorney) get thirty million dollars from McDonald’s because she was too dumb to realize that coffee is hot? All well and good, except that the actual objective of tort reform, from the conservative right’s perspective, is to eventually eliminate the public’s ability to sue corporations that cause them real harm in the course of doing business, which makes it even more profitable for those corporations to continue doing bigger and more harmful business. Same deal with the partial-birth abortion debate (actual objective: reverse Roe vs. Wade). These issues are packaged and sold to us for the exclusive purpose of divisiveness and progressive defensiveness. Pretty sneaky shit. And I’m only on chapter two.

The Artist’s Way, as you might guess from the title, is a little more gentle and New-Agey and a lot less depressing. It is a twelve-week intensive writing course that seeks to reunite the reader with his or her inner artist. My inner artist has been on vacation in Bora Bora for quite some time, swimming with the dolphins or blithely eating poisonous berries or whatever it does, and has forgotten what it’s here for, so I’m playing bounty hunter and rounding it up. One of the exercises in the book has to do with affirmations and blurts. The idea is that if you write enough positive affirmations about yourself and your creative ability, eventually a hideous little Censor blurt will make its way to the surface and basically tell you that you suck and are completely full of it and aren’t fit to scrawl lewd graffiti on a subway poster of Heidi Klum, let alone create great art. Or something like that.

After my tubbing I tried writing a few affirmations, with mixed results. The whole idea of affirmations is very hokey and Stuart Smalley-esque to me (although I love that movie). Even while I was writing, “I am creative, I am talented, I have a gift,” all I kept thinking was, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!” While all of that may be true, it means doodly when it comes to writing. Maybe I’m good enough, smart enough, liked tons and am really a shitty writer. Maybe I’m lazy and prefer drinking and watching old movies on AMC, or drinking and taking long baths, or drinking and hanging out with my friends, or drinking and converting oxygen into carbon dioxide to writing (true, true, true, and sadly, true). Maybe I’m actually a GREAT writer, and will never realize my full potential because of this stupid blurting that’s taken up an entire page. What happened to the affirmations? This is what I was thinking last night as I stared at all this manipulative, Machiavellian, destructive, CONSERVATIVE yuck that ate up my progressive, positive thinking like kudzu.

So I set the page on fire. It was most liberating (if you smelled something funny last night Charles, that’s what it was. Sorry!). And I resolved to do it again and again, until I didn’t have any more blurts left in me, the course was completed and I had my inner artist producing again. If only we could do the same thing to Rush and Ann and Dubya and Rudy and O’Lielly.

It is January 3^rd, 2008 and I haven’t written 07 once on any piece of correspondence yet. Good fucking riddance. I can’t WAIT to see what the Jumbo Remote crew has in store this year.

Much love and toasty warm alpaca kisses to all of ya,

Jamie

good times

New Year's Eve/Day was satisfying.  I worked at Fountain House until 10pm which was a little boring, but worthwhile, as it allowed the members to party it up with food, drink and a live dj for only $2, and for the majority who are on a fixed income, it is there only option to go out.   Afterwards I walked next door to a scrumptious homemade dinner of black rice, mussels and shrimp.  Thanks Jamie!  We opened gifts and then literally ran down Ninth Avenue to 45th Street, where I sweet talked a cop into letting us head toward Times Square for the ball drop.  We got to Tim's apt. in the nick of time and celebrated with hugs, kisses and lots of the bubbly stuff.

Jamie, Chris and I left the party together to navigate the streets toward the web, where we somehow got separated along the way, but ended up at the same place at the same time...Just in time for the horrible 2am drag show.  Luckily we were greeted by Sean, Sue and Erin and proceeded to literally get drunk and dance.  Hey, where was the complimentary buffet?

Chris and I headed back to my place to find Charles fast asleep in my bed so the three of us crammed together and passed out.

New Year's Day went something like this...grumble, laugh, grumble, 2 hours of family guy (laugh), a delicious brunch, laugh, nap, grumble, laugh, dinner, card game, bed.  Like I said in the header, good times.  

I am so excited for the new year.  I am extra positive because for the first time in my life, I really feel I have got a handle on what's important for me.  I intend on making my actions count toward the areas of health, wealth, creativity and relationships.  Whatever the outcomes are for the year, as long as I can stay focused and put forth energy toward these areas, I will be a joyful being.  

New Year Images

Black Mail pics, perhaps? Sean and I never did get a post-mortem call from Jay yesterday. Inquiring minds want to know. Hmmmm. And just to be fair, here are ones of Sean and me from the Alegria party.

Out on the street...

... the traffic's not jumping. Nope, not at 5:40am, it's more like that scene in Vanilla Sky when Tom Cruise is in Times Square and not a soul is in sight... except only it's pitch black because the sun has not yet risen.
I used to be able to sing along to Dolly's hit, 9-5, at the Duplex, but now I can only sing along half-heartedly as I no longer belong to that group, well, for now anyway. As a paralegal, I used to work normal hours, i.e. 9-6 or 10-7, whichever I decided upon waking up... NOW, I am up by 5:20, sigh, AM. I do hit snooze, which affords me an extra 8-9 minutes of that 1/2 sleep and 1/2 awake time where I contemplate what I might wear, how the day might go, whether I should get up to make coffee instead of snoozing, or about the things I'd rather be doing aside from going to work ... you know what I'm talking about, you probably just do it a an hour or two later, maybe even three... So, at 5:28 or 5:29, I rise, reach for the remote and turn on NBC's early news... There's no Meredith, Matt, Al, or Anne; Instead I have to settle for Darlene Rodriguez and Rob Morrison. I don't have anything against either Darlene or Rob; but they don't go outside (probably because it's dark) and do fun interviews or get to report on concerts out on the plaza, or have Kristen Chenoweth belting out Wicked numbers... Nope, just reports on yesterday's news, and updates on the traffic and weather. Darlene and Rob have yet to tell me anything that I haven't already heard about from the day before; it makes me wonder sometimes why I turn them on at all while I'm brushing my teeth and getting dressed. Perhaps I should just turn on re-runs of Saved by the Bell, or keep the XM Classics channel on that I sleep to. I do enjoy Rob and Darlene's passion though, they really try to act like they're telling you something for the first time, when in actuality, I'm almost certain, they are reading the same tele-prompter scripts from the 11 o'clock news that aired the previous night.
After I get about 15-20 minutes of regurgitated news from Rob and Darlene, I'm heading out the door to the darkened street, where maybe I see 1 other person. Mind you, this person probably is only up for a special reason and has probably not seen this time of day in ages. I can tell when someone is not a regular to the up at 5:30am game. I can tell because when I meet their gaze, they have this look in their eye where they want to relate to you, because they're appalled to be up so early and they have a look that says they want to share that shock with you... if their look could talk it would say something like "Can you believe we're up!?! How crazy is this!?" ... The regulars, instead, exchange a knowing glance... that says something more like... "Yup, we get up before the sun rises." it's just more of knowing, understanding look rather than the surprise offered by the keeper of normal hours that people are actually up at such a ridiculous time.
It's 9am as I write this line... and I just turned around to look out the window from my desk hoping to see sun... it is light out, but it's gray and snowing, awesome. I guess getting up so early wouldn't be so bad if I loved what I was doing. I don't hate it per se, as it's a pretty decent paycheck and it affords me the ability to get out of work at 3:30 and enjoy a non-congested, calming commute home where I can read and relax instead of being sandwiched between people with briefcases, umbrellas, etc prodding me at every motion the train makes. This I love. So despite not liking the job as much as I would have hoped, there are some good benefits.
I suppose I should say what it is I currently am doing then... Well, currently, I work as a PR/community relations consultant on city/state-funded city development/preservation/restoration projects -- i.e. I deal with people adversely affected by said project, be it noise from construction, a crappy easement deal they might be bitter about, etc... my job is to talk with, meet with these people, compile their concerns and then try to find ways to mitigate their problems while trying to explain to them why their stress and anger is not being caused for baseless reasons... Honestly, I would enjoy this, if in fact there were problems to address... Instead I've been assigned to deal with the revitalization of the BQE, it's a highway that connects Brooklyn and Queens for you non-New Yorkers, and the stretch being repaired/expanded/made better, is in a lower-income community... I thought, great!! I could be a voice for and advocate for the little person; something I have a passion for. Despite my excitement to get my hands dirty and jump right into it, there have been next to no complaints, or at least not major ones that require much brain power to solve. So far I've helped get a church's parking lot entrance opened up more for better traffic flow (I know, I know, pretty big stuff); have dealt with a man who is not happy with his backyard having been cut in half and doesn't quite get that the $100,000 easement he was paid is compensation for that -- he calls a lot to ask me the same questions or to ask that I try to get the DOT to do other things, sometimes these requests are reasonable, like finishing the fence they put up to keep out trespassers. That one, I get, and I've been working on ... Oh, and I solved the problem of getting a no parking sign put up for a family whose driveway gets blocked a lot due to the limited parking; so yeah, pretty much I thought I'd get a saving the world type of feeling from this job, but it's not been that at all. It's disheartening because the engineers and contractors that are being paid by the city to undertake this could really care less about the people who are affected, and that makes it tough to get them to respond; and since my firm is hired by them as a consultant, they are the client... you can do the math. I guess I envisioned more empathetic engineers and contractors that I'd be dealing with, and not these tunnel-visioned, seemingly misanthropic people who only act concerned when compelled to by regulatory guidelines or laws that require them to. So that's kind of sad to me, and is making me a little jaded.
So the downside is that I have to get up early, and don't like to go to bed early and that I'm not enjoying it like I thought that I would. The upside, is that this job is nowhere near as stressful or as demanding of my time as being a paralegal was. I work a 40 hour week now, not a 50-60 hour week; I go home at 3:30 every day, and not between the hours of 7pm and up until the wee hours of the morning into the next day; and I am compensated in the way of salary the same that I was with the firm... only I just have to work the 40 hours per week, not the 50-60. I get out at 3:30, which as I said affords me a nice commute home, and enables me to get things done that need doing. I'm finally going to join a gym, which I had no time for before. I'm going to have "me-time" and do things that I enjoy, like read, perhaps volunteer, find a part-time second job to go to after work one or two times a week. These are options I simply did not have working at the law firm. And as much as I like to complain about the getting up early, It is satisfying to me to get to see the sun rise every morning -- I hadn't seen the sun rise since my high school days, and it's really a remarkable thing to experience each day. I feel better now that I'm not worried or under pressure, like when I was at the law firm and was involved, although minimally, in filing briefs, motions for multi-district litigations where millions and billions are at stake -- I didn't realize how much that stressed me out, and how much a stressed out lawyer wore me out day to day -- how much I thought about and worried about whether I did everything right after leaving the office and about what the consequences would be if I hadn't. Don't get me wrong, I had lots of downtime as a paralegal, and at times it was easy and boring and could have been carried out by a primate -- but even our minimal involvement in the way of organizing documents for a brief, although sometimes seemingly mindless, had to be done perfectly... and if it wasn't, you would have some pretty pissed off lawyers who would have to tell soon to be pissed off clients that something went wrong... mind you this never happened, where something cataclysmic occurred with anything I was involved with, but the stress caused by the thought that it might or very well could, was really taxing in a lot of ways. So, right, I guess that's just to say, I don't regret leaving the law firm, and don't miss it -- I'm just a little annoyed that I don't enjoy the new gig as much as I had hoped. Like I said however, there are benefits and pros to this job even if it's just temporary and proves to be just a paycheck and not extremely fulfilling and rewarding. Perhaps the rewarding aspect will be that I can be good to myself, and do things I've always wanted to do, but never had time for... So, I guess I am happy that so long as I am at this job, I will be able to help some people, despite it being in minimal ways, and I will also be able to look more into taking care of me, and being good to myself for once by engaging in things that will fulfill me... maybe that's not the best situation, but I'm becoming more ok with it.
We'll see how this shapes up as the new year commences, I'll keep you posted, as I typically have very little to do in the hours from 7am - 9am in this office, aside from checking schedules and sending a few faxes... after that it's time to sit with a cup a coffee, read some articles, and lately, write blogs... which, isn't so bad to be honest.
So to close this out, here are some things I will do in the new year with this new schedule (these are not resolutions, as they are spawned simply from more free time and not solely based out of a desire to improve myself over the new year):
1. Read more
2. Actually be able to go to a gym and not be relegated to doing sit-ups and the like on my bedroom floor.
3. Get my food shopping and other errands completed before 5pm!
4. Find something to fill my time after work, be it going to the gym, volunteering, reading, walking through the park, or anything that might strike my fancy.
5. Focusing on the things I enjoy, focusing on me and the direction of my life.
6. Think a lot more, write more, become more self-aware.
7. Not be stressed because of work (what an amazing thing)
8. Making more time for my friends, and thereby being a better friend
9. (If I make it to beach weather days at this job) Getting out early to get a jump on the weekend and traveling to the beach, or any other destination; and getting out early on weekdays to enjoy leisurely spring/summer afternoons!! (this excites me to no end).
10. Take another stab at quitting smoking after my lot of cigs run out that I purchased from DC