trust

I have, as of late, been on one of the most introspective and confounding journeys in conscious and unconscious terms. My mind at times seems to race faster than the electrical pulses that are jumping across my synapses. Sometimes there's a resultant clarity, but seldom is that the case. Usually it's an endless maddening amble through the mind, stopping off at the heart and soul now and then. Although epiphanies have been few and far between, in the end it's all been fostering some type of growth, further progression towards self realization.

Why is it that we most realize what's of actual import in life when life's in a tangled mess? … And when we're caught up in blissful …whatever … we take it all for granted? I think it's because when we're cut down to the bare ingredients (think of a whole chocolate chip cookie in perfect form being grinded down into a pile of dark and light brown powder & bits) that make up our state of being, only then do we start to see who we really are. Only then are we forced to survey the mess of humanity, when it's strewn across the floor like a bag of exploded flour… after a … I'll call it, a 'life explosion;' meaning any life event that pulls you straight down and slams you mercilessly into ground shattering you into pieces when perhaps just moments ago you were a whole Chips Ahoy!… or thought you were anyway. I know, I know, sounds a bit dramatic – but I'm not apologizing for it, despite expected accusations that might come from someone reading this who would term this rant as melodramatic. I won't apologize for it, nor would I even try, or feel it remotely necessary to defend against such a claim.

If I've learned anything lately it's that I know myself, more than I cared to admit to myself before. I used to pretend to know myself; pretend I was gliding along and on the same plane as the others and pass it off as if I enjoyed it and like I had things mapped out.

My friends often make fun of me for acting "old" … and I used to take mild offense to it, or laugh it off. The self I pretended to know and put out was offended by this; the self I have now realized and knew all along that I am was secretly sitting in the back of the room, smiling and enjoying a sense of satisfaction. I'm not a member of the young and naive pack who skips around from club to club or bar to bar trying to find love in all the wrong places. I played that game in the past, and it has served no purpose other than to make me feel unfulfilled and devalued. I don't need that, I never did. I need something real, something I can believe in enough to invest my trust into. In my estimation, before love can even make it around the corner to see the red carpet, much less get past the velvet ropes; it has to be preceded by trust.

My sense of trust and my heart are my two most prized possessions. They give me strength, but also leave me completely vulnerable to a harsh world. I've made numerous errors in my use of these two primary components in the past, but I'm resolving to not make any such errors again in the future.
I don't want someone to look at me and see a nameless face that they find attractive, and then decide that I'm a good match for them. The physical is definitely a component, but it's not the only one, or the most important one, by far… It's just an enjoyable part of the whole package. Do I notice attractive guys?, sure, but it is by no means the component I base a relationship upon…if that even needed saying. Lusting and loving, are obviously two different things… yes, I will notice a pretty face, or when someone's body curves perfectly underneath their clothes, but before I can think about holding you, I need to know you and I need you to know me. We shouldn't reduce ourselves to commodities; it's degrading and results in emptiness and loneliness. I refuse it outright. Take the time to get to know me. I want you to be interested in me and what I have to say and I want to be interested in you and what you have to say. I want you to make me laugh, but not to try doing it. I'm over putting on shows and pretending, I'm through with games, immaturity, and reckless acts.

When I think someone is deserving of my trust I am the most caring, faithful, loving person you could possibly find; and I expect the same in return.
I'm deserving of someone who will guard my trust and my heart as much as, if not more than, I would and do; and I would do the same. Perhaps the single most cruel and misguided thing someone can do to another person is to be careless with another's trust and heart. Take stock of yourself and your intentions before you even begin to accept one or both of these things from another person, and make sure you're up to the task. It is not something that should be taken lightly or a rushed decision. It's a set of circumstances that make the game of love the complicated, tangled mess that it is. It's an unforgiving labyrinth of madness, but if we make the right turns and moves along the way, it can and should be a remarkable journey that the right two people can embark on together, building a stronger sense of trust and understanding that will culminate into that elusive love we all look for and want, as we wander through the sordid mess.

It's not something that happens overnight or after talking for an hour at a bar about the inanities of life. It happens over time, like a finely put together recipe for the most elaborate of dishes. Each ingredient is added at a different time, sometimes it's brought to a boil, or left to simmer … if it's done correctly, however, and you don't mistake the sugar for the salt it will begin to take it's form … The recipe for a trust and love filled relationship is not regimented, but more organic; you can't be precise to a fault, continuously following the cookbook's every instruction, but instead you have to be like one of those chefs who doesn't read the cookbook, and never uses an actual tablespoon when the book calls for it. That's to say, trust yourself and your instincts... You may not always be right, but that's ok. Perfection is not the goal… nothing will ever be perfect, instead a kind of organic harmony should be strived for… with hopefully only a few of the unwanted, yet, to be expected discordant notes that will undoubtedly happen along the way.

I'm no longer going to hunt for it, or fret and think that I don't deserve it. I'm going to sit back with the old man in my mind and patiently wait for it to find me. We'll be sitting next to trust and love, all of us ready for the red carpet and the ball.