Message to Joseph

Joseph,

I have been observing myself quite often and planning my actions accordingly.  As you know, I have always been challenged with focusing my will to have the integrity to carry out the actions I set forth.  This causes me upset because I continually disappoint myself.  To remedy this, I am focusing my will to stay in the present moment with the understanding that my higher self knows best and will make decisions that work.  I still have the planned actions set forth, but instead of forcing my ego to complete them (usually resulting in a persisting resistance), I notice that they are there and then let my higher self decide.  Doing it this way seems like less of a chore and my ego doesn't feel like it has to do all the work.  In other words, I am starting to negotiate with my ego more.  

All the while, if I start to feel anxious, I remind myself that nothing is wrong and attempt to generate a loving presence to overcome the fear.

Love, Jason

Graditude

I am still working on being thankful for what I have in my life.  Each morning when I wake up, I am remembering to feel grateful for what I have and for what will come in to my life.  This last part is important because living positively means that I will attract positive things.  Things I can't imagine because I have not experienced them yet.  I am determined to have a positive week and listen to myself even if that means I will be uncomfortable.  

Putting my best foot forward

Ahhh...the struggle of breaking my bad habits is so familiar that I often feel that with every cycle of ups and downs, I am starting over again.  This is simply not true.  I am getting more accomplished every time I fall.  Obama advised the country yesterday at his inauguration to dust ourselves off and quit childish behaviors.  Of course, I am taking this to heart and have promised that during my first 100 days, doing my best means to challenge myself with every task.  To find the passion in every action through focus and courage, then observe the outcome.   Some days will be easier than others, but I am committed to doing this work as I believe it is the only way to awaken my spirit.

Surrender

Surrendering is a powerful concept that I was reminded of last night in group.  In my case, it means to give up fighting with my ego and give in to the power of my higher self.  I have been feeling for  a while now that a war is being waged between my habitual ego self who wants it all but is too afraid or too lazy to do the work and my higher consciousness who knows that it is by doing the work, that I will experience the joy.  My higher self knows implicitly that it is the process that provides personal growth.  The outcome is usually short-lived and is merely a consequence of the process. 

To surrender means to accept my ego and not fight with it.  Ego is not my enemy, rather is an important, albeit lesser evolved, part of who I am.  That said, I have been giving it too much power and living by it, mostly because it is what I have always done.  Then predictably, at some point, I very clearly see that I have been doing so and feel bad about myself.  I have even looked at my ego self as disgusting and worthless.  But what if I didn't hate my ego and didn't fight with it? What if I just learned to laugh at it and then learn to manipulate it to change my thinking. Ironically, by laughing at it instead of hating it, I could actually surrender to my higher self with more ease.

This week, I am going to meditate on the concept of surrender.  Instead of trying to figure it all out, I will let my consciousness guide me.  I will stay aware of my ego habits and when I want to act on them, I will smile and understand that it is o.k. to want to act on them, but there is another way that will lead me to the next highest version of myself that I have yet to experience.

almost shit my pants on the way to work today

Good times. Copious amounts of alcohol mixed with pickled jalapenos and undercooked chicken at 2AM do not bloody well mix.

Jason and I are going to Washington DC to watch Barack Obama's inauguration. (The conservative right has taken to referring to him as PEBO on their message boards, which of course makes me think of Peabo Bryson, an insult in impressively varied ways. Seriously - Don't Think of an Elephant! Read dis bitch). I am by turns nervous, apprehensive, disbelieving and puppy-whimpering excited. It is going to be an incredible weekend, and I am hoping that we both get to make new friends while we are there (possibly horizontal friends) and come home feeling even more inspired about the new and positive paths we are taking in our lives. There's so much still to do. I guess I need to see that amazing man take the oath of office even more than I realized. I mean, if he can roll up his sleeves and set to the task of cleaning up the incomprehensible mess awaiting him, then surely I can manage to move out of my apartment and lose 30 pounds, for starters.

I feel a lot better at the end of this day than I did at the beginning, and that's kind of nice. And it's almost the weekend! Time for dancing, Sunday dinner with my loves, some much-needed cleaning and cooking, some me time, and perhaps a hard look at the old budget. Sometimes I wish my life were a bit more complicated though. Actually I probably shouldn't wish for that, as I will probably get hit by a car and have a leg amputated. All the complication you could want and then some!